So i found about the meaning of Little Space, of age regression, and i got pretty interested how that can be a coping mechanism. It fits me i guess…
But i'm stuck on being a baby on my own for a while. I try to treat myself right… Besides the isolation and my bad relationship with food… I've been sleeping quite well… on my days off at least. I'm having less coffee and more tea. I light some scented candles every night. I put on indie music every night. I have plans, you know… Thinking about the days when i felt like dying...I'm glad i got here...I have so much to do and live now...Right?
Not sure if it's just my anxiety, if it's because my skin is going nuts...i guess it could be hormones, it would explain a lot...Joining the fact that i have been working only night shifts for 3 nights straight and then had 2 days off not leaving the house….I'm going insane… I'm so so so happy i'm working tomorrow...because if i had to stay one more day at home i would kill someone….Not for real… But you know what i mean… I don't reply any messages ...I don't aceept any invitations to go out... I just feel like crying and screaming all the time… I'm so anxious…
Wish i had someone i could fall in love with...someone that would understand me...That wouldn't let me hide and leave… Yeah...I'm such a baby…. Gooodnight...
sábado, 18 de agosto de 2018
quarta-feira, 8 de agosto de 2018
Poly or just a phase?
First of all..Don't kill me please. Whether you (that are Reading this) are poly or not poly, please understand that i'm coming from a place of self-discovery and i don't know much about polyamorous relationships...Sometimes i think i know nothing about my own sexuality...but anyway...I have come to terms that sexuality is fluid and i can no longer fully control what is going down there and up here in my head... That's why i abominate using labels to describe sexuality, even though they might be useful sometimes… But because one person (for example) being bi doesn't mean the same as other person being bi i can no longer agree that labels are that much useful…
Just a few years i was feeling confused about all these pretty girls all over the world (and mostly in my life). I came out as lesbian to myself over a year, only to come out this year (like 4 months ago) as bi… Didn't i say i was not agreeing with using labels just now? Well, yeah, first thing about me is that i'm a fucking confusing person, second of all i did say they were usefull sometimes...Like now...Only to explain that my way has been fluid, and i will keep it that way...Because there is no way i'm denying a part of me, ever again…
Sooo, how did a came here? To Polyamory, i mean.
My last relationship was a year ago, more or less. With a girl. I was "gay" then, and i was pretty much convinced that girls were my entire universe, like..i mean...Girls are gorgeous...Their bodies are like...You know what i mean? I avoided men at all cost, i liked the attention but sex was a no no for me, because like...gross… If only they had a vagina, you know? But then me and my former girl had our ups and downs… Do you know Stevie and Ally? We really loved them, and she used to say i was like Stevie, what i didn't agree cause she was more bitchy so i had to be Ally… (just play along okay, this was a funny couple thing to do…). Little did i know that i was Stevie all along… Sigh…
Anyway, i was pretty much in love with her, i mean, she was the first person (man and woman) that i did feel that thing, the thing that makes you desire that person and only that person. I wanted to finish my studies to make a life with her. I wanted her to annoy me for the rest of our lives. But our relationship was doomed by the distance… And we both had hard characters to deal with.. And i did a tremendous horrible thing… After a fight we had i just stop talking to her. Taking into account that our relationship was made of talking everyday and seeing each other via web, what i did just ended things. We were mad at each other so she also didn't come after me. But our thing didn't end just right there...No, we had to complicate it, and after i apologized for my disappearance we just...kinda were in love again? I mean, we were never out of it, just mad...And we both tried finding near what we had when we were together..but we couldn't. There was no one like her..And she couldn't find any girl that was as idiot as i was. So we decided we could try to talk again.
Meanwhile, before we got to talk again, i had a girlfriend. Say what? Yeah, but i don't really count that has a real gf...let me explain. So, basically, i met this girl, she was very nice, she was pretty but not very my type. I was always so awkward near her, and i hated the fact that i felt like a kid near her, she was younger than me! But she was taller, with curves, lots of them… And i felt like she was already thinking about weddings and kids. And i was going through the worst phase of my life. I had family problems..like..very big ones at the time…(Those kind of problems that can turn you into a depressed bitch or a delinquent… I turned into a cold depressed bitch that is only happy when she's shopping or eating...Yeah, babe, i'm a doll…). Soo, moving on… After a month of knowing each other she asked my to be her gf, IN THE MIDDLE OF HER FAMILY DINNER, so yeah, i was cornered, how could i say no? I said yes… But after some days i had to tell her i wasn't ready, and that was pretty much it. I'm not saying i did things like a mature person would, or that i did everything right, because i know that i didn't! She never talked to me again.
After that, i was still with my "gay-dar" on, looking for girls, looking for my sanity as well (haven't found it yet). And that was when i stumbled on 2 of the most pretty girls i have ever seen. I was shoocked that any of them wanted to talk to me. So i met them, individually. I started hanging with them, once again individually. And i got to a point where i asked myself: Is it wrong that i'm doing this? I'm only friends with them after all… Do i have to choose at some point?
You know you are not suppose to decide when you are horny. I mean, okay, i wasn't horny...But i was overwhelmed by the beauty of (let's say) P. They were both very pretty, can't say which one the most and won't say. They were different. But on a date with P i couldn't resist to steal a kiss. And that was it. We started hanging more, always ending things in a steamy way… Sexually we went for it like 2 crazy people, but in our hearts we still had issues, so months went by and neither she or me were ready to assume a relationship. Meanwhile i stopped hanging with the other girl so much. Was i trying to be faithfull? Perhaps…
Me and P finished our studies. My family situation became a little more "easy" to handle - not going inside of that yet… Soo...it was time to decide right? Are we a thing or not? I was day-dreaming for so long with the idea of falling in love you know..I wanted a chance to do that. So i told her i was starting to like her...2 times.. In those 2 times she didn't deny having feelings, but she did tell me "I don't want you to get hurt". I'm a pretty resentful person. And when someone hurts me, for real, it's like, you get me 1, 2 times… but then i'm gone. Because, i could be getting it wrong, she could be just scared, like i fucking was! But no.. It's not like a have a button, you know… But i went off. I still kept on talking to her, hanging, kissing...But the feelings were like water going down the drain...And i was afraid, once they disappear for good what will i do then? But, i forgot to mention one thing! A very importante one. Because if you don't think bad stuff about me just yet you will now, i can garantee you! When I met P, i was also on an internship, that was part of my studies. And for my surprise i met a guy, a very funny, sweet, dedicated and hot guy… When i realized i was thinking about him more than i should... But he was out of reach, he had a girlfriend. But on the time me and P were still defining things and i just saw an opportunity. I mean, i was also curious, maybe i still liked guys? Who knew.. I'm a bitch, yeah… A very insecure one. P could be hanging with someone as well. So i had a thing with that guy, a physical thing, because we couldn't have more...and i don't think he felt for me the same i felt for him...Or maybe i was only blind because the sex was good and because he made me feel so good about myself, as a person, as a woman, as a future nurse… It was not only sex i guess… But it was not a relationship, and it could never be.
So i had to keep on looking, right? And while me and P were still seeing each other i had some guys and girls talking to me, trying to have dates with me. I'm a pretty anti social person...so i managed to avoid many encounters. But i talked to them, teased some, and then i met this guy… Whom i became friends, and not so long after we got to know each other he asked me if i never thought about the possibility of being Poly. Yeah, we finally got down to business! Finally got to the point of all this!
When he suggested this i was like "No, no way!". Poly, from every thing regarding sexuality was the thing that i least understood, because i never really tried to. I mean, Stevie and Ally were separated because of it! Jk Jk...Bad joke… But the idea of having more than one lover scared me... How could you have a deep bound? And sharing? I'm not a person that goes with a flow, i avoid the flow, i wave at it… I have revolution in my mind. I'm not conflictuous but i will be if i need..I always thought of myself as open minded, and not socially condition for anything… Perhaps i was wrong...i don't know yet.
The idea i had, and kinda still have of love is: Me and other person, being idiots, but loving how much of an idiot the other person is. Love is adoring the other person. I want to be someone's princess, but at the same time i want them to recognize my flaws, to get mad when i go over the limits, to tell me things how they really are and never sugarcoat. I mean, this is the dream right? I could keep on writing what i want, but you know what i want...because it's pretty much what every one wants (NOT EVERY ONE!!!), but is what books, movies and songs have us believing… And up until now is what i have been looking and i'm not ready to give up on it just yet…..
I'm considering trying Poly...because i'm tired of feeling like i'm cheating, and i rather have a name (a label...WHAAAAT?) for what i'm doing, so i can tell people from the start...Because, i don't understand how can you enter a relationship and not spread your eyes all over … I just can't do that, i can't keep myself of finding that girl attractive and to flirt with her, only because i'm having dates with other… But like i said… I don't know where this is leading me... What if i do find the one? What are your thoughts on this? Please let me know.
Just a few years i was feeling confused about all these pretty girls all over the world (and mostly in my life). I came out as lesbian to myself over a year, only to come out this year (like 4 months ago) as bi… Didn't i say i was not agreeing with using labels just now? Well, yeah, first thing about me is that i'm a fucking confusing person, second of all i did say they were usefull sometimes...Like now...Only to explain that my way has been fluid, and i will keep it that way...Because there is no way i'm denying a part of me, ever again…
Sooo, how did a came here? To Polyamory, i mean.
My last relationship was a year ago, more or less. With a girl. I was "gay" then, and i was pretty much convinced that girls were my entire universe, like..i mean...Girls are gorgeous...Their bodies are like...You know what i mean? I avoided men at all cost, i liked the attention but sex was a no no for me, because like...gross… If only they had a vagina, you know? But then me and my former girl had our ups and downs… Do you know Stevie and Ally? We really loved them, and she used to say i was like Stevie, what i didn't agree cause she was more bitchy so i had to be Ally… (just play along okay, this was a funny couple thing to do…). Little did i know that i was Stevie all along… Sigh…
Anyway, i was pretty much in love with her, i mean, she was the first person (man and woman) that i did feel that thing, the thing that makes you desire that person and only that person. I wanted to finish my studies to make a life with her. I wanted her to annoy me for the rest of our lives. But our relationship was doomed by the distance… And we both had hard characters to deal with.. And i did a tremendous horrible thing… After a fight we had i just stop talking to her. Taking into account that our relationship was made of talking everyday and seeing each other via web, what i did just ended things. We were mad at each other so she also didn't come after me. But our thing didn't end just right there...No, we had to complicate it, and after i apologized for my disappearance we just...kinda were in love again? I mean, we were never out of it, just mad...And we both tried finding near what we had when we were together..but we couldn't. There was no one like her..And she couldn't find any girl that was as idiot as i was. So we decided we could try to talk again.
Meanwhile, before we got to talk again, i had a girlfriend. Say what? Yeah, but i don't really count that has a real gf...let me explain. So, basically, i met this girl, she was very nice, she was pretty but not very my type. I was always so awkward near her, and i hated the fact that i felt like a kid near her, she was younger than me! But she was taller, with curves, lots of them… And i felt like she was already thinking about weddings and kids. And i was going through the worst phase of my life. I had family problems..like..very big ones at the time…(Those kind of problems that can turn you into a depressed bitch or a delinquent… I turned into a cold depressed bitch that is only happy when she's shopping or eating...Yeah, babe, i'm a doll…). Soo, moving on… After a month of knowing each other she asked my to be her gf, IN THE MIDDLE OF HER FAMILY DINNER, so yeah, i was cornered, how could i say no? I said yes… But after some days i had to tell her i wasn't ready, and that was pretty much it. I'm not saying i did things like a mature person would, or that i did everything right, because i know that i didn't! She never talked to me again.
After that, i was still with my "gay-dar" on, looking for girls, looking for my sanity as well (haven't found it yet). And that was when i stumbled on 2 of the most pretty girls i have ever seen. I was shoocked that any of them wanted to talk to me. So i met them, individually. I started hanging with them, once again individually. And i got to a point where i asked myself: Is it wrong that i'm doing this? I'm only friends with them after all… Do i have to choose at some point?
You know you are not suppose to decide when you are horny. I mean, okay, i wasn't horny...But i was overwhelmed by the beauty of (let's say) P. They were both very pretty, can't say which one the most and won't say. They were different. But on a date with P i couldn't resist to steal a kiss. And that was it. We started hanging more, always ending things in a steamy way… Sexually we went for it like 2 crazy people, but in our hearts we still had issues, so months went by and neither she or me were ready to assume a relationship. Meanwhile i stopped hanging with the other girl so much. Was i trying to be faithfull? Perhaps…
Me and P finished our studies. My family situation became a little more "easy" to handle - not going inside of that yet… Soo...it was time to decide right? Are we a thing or not? I was day-dreaming for so long with the idea of falling in love you know..I wanted a chance to do that. So i told her i was starting to like her...2 times.. In those 2 times she didn't deny having feelings, but she did tell me "I don't want you to get hurt". I'm a pretty resentful person. And when someone hurts me, for real, it's like, you get me 1, 2 times… but then i'm gone. Because, i could be getting it wrong, she could be just scared, like i fucking was! But no.. It's not like a have a button, you know… But i went off. I still kept on talking to her, hanging, kissing...But the feelings were like water going down the drain...And i was afraid, once they disappear for good what will i do then? But, i forgot to mention one thing! A very importante one. Because if you don't think bad stuff about me just yet you will now, i can garantee you! When I met P, i was also on an internship, that was part of my studies. And for my surprise i met a guy, a very funny, sweet, dedicated and hot guy… When i realized i was thinking about him more than i should... But he was out of reach, he had a girlfriend. But on the time me and P were still defining things and i just saw an opportunity. I mean, i was also curious, maybe i still liked guys? Who knew.. I'm a bitch, yeah… A very insecure one. P could be hanging with someone as well. So i had a thing with that guy, a physical thing, because we couldn't have more...and i don't think he felt for me the same i felt for him...Or maybe i was only blind because the sex was good and because he made me feel so good about myself, as a person, as a woman, as a future nurse… It was not only sex i guess… But it was not a relationship, and it could never be.
So i had to keep on looking, right? And while me and P were still seeing each other i had some guys and girls talking to me, trying to have dates with me. I'm a pretty anti social person...so i managed to avoid many encounters. But i talked to them, teased some, and then i met this guy… Whom i became friends, and not so long after we got to know each other he asked me if i never thought about the possibility of being Poly. Yeah, we finally got down to business! Finally got to the point of all this!
When he suggested this i was like "No, no way!". Poly, from every thing regarding sexuality was the thing that i least understood, because i never really tried to. I mean, Stevie and Ally were separated because of it! Jk Jk...Bad joke… But the idea of having more than one lover scared me... How could you have a deep bound? And sharing? I'm not a person that goes with a flow, i avoid the flow, i wave at it… I have revolution in my mind. I'm not conflictuous but i will be if i need..I always thought of myself as open minded, and not socially condition for anything… Perhaps i was wrong...i don't know yet.
The idea i had, and kinda still have of love is: Me and other person, being idiots, but loving how much of an idiot the other person is. Love is adoring the other person. I want to be someone's princess, but at the same time i want them to recognize my flaws, to get mad when i go over the limits, to tell me things how they really are and never sugarcoat. I mean, this is the dream right? I could keep on writing what i want, but you know what i want...because it's pretty much what every one wants (NOT EVERY ONE!!!), but is what books, movies and songs have us believing… And up until now is what i have been looking and i'm not ready to give up on it just yet…..
I'm considering trying Poly...because i'm tired of feeling like i'm cheating, and i rather have a name (a label...WHAAAAT?) for what i'm doing, so i can tell people from the start...Because, i don't understand how can you enter a relationship and not spread your eyes all over … I just can't do that, i can't keep myself of finding that girl attractive and to flirt with her, only because i'm having dates with other… But like i said… I don't know where this is leading me... What if i do find the one? What are your thoughts on this? Please let me know.
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